An opportunity for loneliness or connection
Valentine’s Day – Coping with loneliness or an opportunity for connection? As Valentine’s Day rolls around, reminders of this “lover’s holiday” are everywhere. Chocolate and flowers deck the entries to grocery stores. Spas and restaurants remind you to book a reservation for you and your lover. Radio and TV ads lure you to “buy that special ring for your special someone” and pink and red hearts seem to don the windows of retail stores or social media posts, making many single people feel left out, lonely and hurting.
If you’re single and wish you weren’t, or if you’re with a partner who doesn’t “do” Valentine’s Day, this holiday of love can feel like a wet towel slapping you in the face. The images of love and romance can feel intrusive, painful and downright jarring as you imagine all the happy couples enjoying their romantic outings while you sit home alone in your PJs with a bowl of ice cream.
The importance of the relationship with yourself
Everyone wants to feel special. Everyone wants to feel they matter. Here in the US, we have the bad habit of searching for meaning by comparing our lives with others, be they the thousands of people who may be tweeting at any given moment or the friends in our social circles. When we do this, we derail ourselves from the most important anchor we have—the relationship to ourselves.
The kind of relationship you have with yourself is what determines how you navigate life—it determines your wellbeing. Loneliness researchers Stephanie Cacioppo and the late John Cacioppo discovered that the most potent remedy for loneliness is not getting out and interacting with others, although this can be helpful, but is a kind, internal dialogue with yourself. If you tell yourself, “well, you’re still single—obviously no one is interested in you” you slap yourself in the face. If, however, you talk to yourself in a compassionate and encouraging way, such as, “It’s Valentine’s Day…let’s do something special for you” or you take the time to look yourself in the mirror and say, “I I like your work ethic,” or “I like your honesty”, or “I like your smile,” you may begin to feel less lonely. Let’s face it, if you sit home imagining all the wonderful things couples may (or may not, by the way) be doing on Valentine’s Day, you abandon yourself.
The importance of other relationships
And what about all the relationships you do have? The relationship with your co-worker, your doctor, your neighbor, or the person you see walking her dog every week, but never talk to? Try not to diminish these relationships as unmeaningful. Making eye contact and offering kindness to others provides opportunity for connection and can make you feel happier. You don’t need a partner to do this. Buy a latte for the person in line behind you, offer to help your friend with his resume, clean up the kitchen for your roommate. Giving to others has proven to increase happiness.
Coping with Loneliness on Valentine’s Day: Conclusion
Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be a sorrowful day for the single or lonely. It can be a reminder to take action on hopes and dreams you have for yourself. It can be a reminder to take the time to give to yourself. And it can be a reminder that giving to others feels good. If you choose to stay home and feel sad, that’s okay, just be there for yourself, with kindness and encouragement.
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Dr. Van Deusen received her PhD in Clinical Psychology from the California School of Professional Psychology in Los Angeles in 1992. She has cultivated deep knowledge of attachment theory and stress and has worked with various populations over her two and a half decade career. Her practice is in Seattle, Washington. Buy her book Stressed in the U.S.: 12 Tools to Tackle Anxiety, Loneliness, Tech-Addiction and More here